Deadpool: The Merc Who Loved Me (A dirty dirty love story)

(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer) READER’S DISCRETION ADVISED: SWEAR WORDS AHEAD!! LIKE…LOTS OF THEM.

It started when a bad idea fucked a guy in a green suit. Okay, maybe I should clarify that. Way back in the year 2009, us nerds huddled in a dimly lit theater waiting to see the awesomeness that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Not only did we get a badass Wolverine backstory and a better Sabertooth played by Ray Donovan (or whatever his name is), but we also finally got our favorite “Merc with a mouth”, Deadpool!! Sure he was played by pretty boy Ryan Reynolds but at least we knew Reynolds had the whole foul-mouthed chatterbox thing down (see Blade Trinity)! By the end of X-Men Origins our favorite merc had been reduced to a shirtless super-mutant who had Baraka’s arms from Mortal Kombat, and, get this, HIS FUCKING MOUTH SEWN SHUT!!!! It was like seeing a Batman who could beat your ass but couldn’t tie his own shoes without the help of Morgan Freeman…Thanks Nolan. Needless to say, us fanboys (and girls, settle the fuck down), left the theater with a bitter taste in our mouths…(too easy)

(Fuck you Fox…see above)

Shortly after that train wreck of a movie, the rumor mill started spitting out ideas about a standalone Deadpool movie. With visions of that bullshit in the picture above still fresh in our heads, we only had semi nerd boners and whatever semi thing nerd girls get. In the meantime, it was announced that Reynolds would be slipping into another skin tight hero suit for DC and Warner Bros. this time and in 2011, we packed our hopeful asses back into theaters for Green Lantern aaaaand we got fucked hard and dirty (in all the bad ways) again! If you haven’t seen it, it looks like this:

(Wow…fuck you too Warner!)

Feeling quite violated, we left theaters with the kind of depression that not even a chimichanga would fix and all seemed lost and hopeless. We thought we would never get to see Deadpool on the big screen except in the OVER circumcised looking version that we got from Origins. In 2012, however, we heard all new rumors about the return of Deadpool but instead of hearing trumpets, we all were apprehensive like a hard fart in spandex, not quite sure how to handle it. The reoccurring rumor was that Reynolds, a die-hard Deadpool fan, had independently created a 1-2 minute “teaser” to take before Fox studio executives and that their reaction was like the first time you got to touch a boob under the shirt but over the bra…fucking thrilled! Our excitement (and pants) began to swell again and the horizon looked bright for us fans of Wade Wilson aka Deadpool! Sadly, buzz began to die down and we were left with movie blue balls. Just when we thought we would never get to bust our Deadpool nut, 2014 hit and the exact video that blew the minds of the Fox execs found its way to the inter web…here you go kids!!

Like most of our sex lives, it was short but damn satisfying! In those few minutes, we got a Deadpool who bantered well with the bad guys, never took anything seriously, broke the 4th wall, AND killed the shit out of everything!! It was like watching an early Jenna Jameson movie, dirty and artistic and left us reaching for a Kleenex. FINALLY we would get the right kind of Deadpool movie!! Then, as if biting into a Quarter Pounder with cheese only to find a dirty band-aid, Fox told us it would be PG-13. What the fuck!? How can you have a Deadpool movie without all the violence and implied sex and chock full of salty swear words!!? As any die hard fan looking for the silver lining to this shit sandwich, we began to be thankful that we were even getting a Deadpool movie and the phrase “They can still make it work with PG-13” became commonplace. Fast forward to April Fool’s Day 2015. We had all settled into the idea of a PG-13 Deadpool movie no matter how reluctantly and there was an announcement that Ryan Reynolds would be on Extra with pictures and news from the Deadpool set and here’s what we got:

SWEET BABY JESUS WE’RE GETTING A RATED ‘R’ DEADPOOL MOVIE!!!! Like a blowjob from a girl that’s waaaay out of your league, we couldn’t believe it was actually happening!! There would be no holds barred and no language censored! Deadpool would finally get it’s proper representation on the big screen. The only apprehension was Reynolds himself who had, as we said, whiffed pretty hard at the box office in the “superhero” genre. All doubts, however, were erased after footage of Deadpool was shown at the legendary San Diego Comic Con this year. Grainy footage leaked out and we fanboys and girls couldn’t watch it fast enough. Fox studios told us they were going to wait a while to give the general public an actual trailer but in the meantime, we learned just how hard Reynolds has worked to bring Deadpool to life. At the press event for his film “Self/less” Reynolds was asked about Deadpool to which he responded:

“For me it’s 11 years of waiting to do this guy. That doesn’t happen like this in a business where you wait so long and they’ll eventually say: ‘You can’t do this, you’re old,’” “Six years ago, we wrote a script and it was awesome. It was as if the people who created Deadpool themselves had done it.”

This last week, Fox released the same trailer that was shown at SDCC and fans worldwide have been unified in their enthusiasm. Not only are we finally getting a Deadpool movie, not only is “The Merc with a Mouth” being played by someone who has dedicated an unhealthy amount of time to get the character right AND brought to life, not only is he going to cuss like a sailor with Tourettes, NOT ONLY are we….oh I’ll just shut the fuck up and give you this red band trailer in all it’s fucking glory!!! Thanks 20th Century Fox for getting it right on the money!!! Deadpool will kick theaters right in the balls on February 12th, 2016. Take a Valentine’s date and maybe you’ll get laid!!

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