Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

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(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer)

Universal dropped the first trailer to the highly anticipated sequel to the highly received sequel to the crappy sequel to the not-so-bad-compared-to-the-third sequel to the highly praised adaptation of Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park and let me tell you…it was hotter than Ian Malcolm with his shirt open!

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Set several years after the events in Jurassic World, here’s what we know so far. Owen and Claire still have crazy sexual tension. Owen still makes uncomfortable sexual jokes, now about the list of guys that Claire may or may not have nailed. Claire has helped form a dinosaur protection group called the Prevention of Extinction of Dinosaurs Organization or P.E.D.O. for short (actually it’s called the Dinosaur Protection Group so Claire is really involved with DP…seriously). The hamster balls still work!! Blue thinks Owen smells…funny. Ian “Chaos Theory” Malcolm is a goddamned stallion with salt and pepper hair. The Carnotaur (I was a dino-nerd so yeah…I knew what it was) gets a hickey from good ol’ T-Rex. Isla Nublar has filed to legally change it’s name to Dante’s Peak or whatever the volcano was named in that stupid Tommy Lee Jones movie. Claire and (fellow DP enthusiast *snicker*) Justice Smith pull a Thelma and Louise and the Ankylosaur is the unofficial cannonball champion of the world! That pretty much sums up the freaking awesome first trailer for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom due in theaters June 22nd, 2018. On my ONLY serious note, this trailer does make the departure from most modern trailers and does not oversell. I am truly looking forward to this. Check out the trailer below.

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Let’s Paint Happy Homicide

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(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer)

With the holidays fast approaching, the recent release of Thor: Ragnarok, the upcoming release of Justice League and Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Deadpool arrived and gave us a release…straight into our pants! Everyone’s favorite Merc’ With A Mouth dropped a teaser trailer a-la-Bob Ross to remind us that none of that other shit matters because Deadpool is coming…to theaters…not…oh never mind.

Twentieth Century Fox posted their official synopsis for the highly anticipated sequel and they describe Deadpool 2 as this:

After surviving a near fatal bovine attack, a disfigured cafeteria chef (Wade Wilson) struggles to fulfill his dream of becoming Mayberry’s hottest bartender while also learning to cope with his lost sense of taste. Searching to regain his spice for life, as well as a flux capacitor, Wade must battle ninjas, the yakuza, and a pack of sexually aggressive canines, as he journeys around the world to discover the importance of family, friendship, and flavor – finding a new taste for adventure and earning the coveted coffee mug title of World’s Best Lover.

No seriously…that IS the official synopsis on Deadpool 2’s IMDB page…

We know this much from the trailer…Deadpool is back, he has a sexy slow motion run through the rain, Negasonic Teenage…Whatever The Fuck The Rest Of Her Name Is is back and still giving the bird, Dopinder doesn’t swallow, Chunk from The Goonies is pulling a Drew Barrymore in Firestarter, some irresponsible prick has given a blind woman a gun, Deadpool does a spot on Jesus impression and rises from the grave, and at very end, Michael Jackson has a new shiny glove…or maybe I need to adjust my Cable. Well, I’m gonna go do some blow, you scroll down to watch the trailer and take the “Don’t Nut in Your Pants Challenge.”

 

Dalton is listed as Security in the credits…these guys are killing me.

Tim Miller Departs From DEADPOOL 2..

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(Joshua Gilmore-Staff Writer)

As in most Hollywood successes, a speed bump is bound to creep up and everyone’s favorite merc with the mouth has ran head first into a hard bump. Tim Miller, the director of the original blockbuster DEADPOOL, has left the production of DEADPOOL 2 over creative differences.

After the news broke, the rumors started to flood the internet and the truth could be stranger than fiction, but a rift between Miller and Ryan Reynolds seems to lead the charge. The studio has been quick to keep the news in a positive light, as they have already announced their next project with Miller. Fox has released information that Miller will begin work on the adaptation of Daniel Suarez’s science fiction novel, Influx.

In Hollywood creative differences happen as often as rehab stints, but they can hopefully end the same way. I am a massive fan of DEADPOOL and the extended world the movie unleashed, so any static could bring upon something amazing and very little property damage.

Now, due to this issue, the release date for DEADPOOL 2 is up in the air.

Last Call for Logan

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(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer) I believe in perfect moments. Snippets of events that tie together to paint a masterpiece. For me, it’s the events that led to me meeting my wife. From the smell in the air to the way a stoplight changes. The song on the radio or the recollection of a dumb joke that helped break the ice. They are magical and remind us that, sometimes, the universe lines up just right. That is absolutely prevalent in the first trailer for Logan, the final Wolverine story with Hugh Jackman. See, I believe there was a reason that Dougray Scott was tied to Mission Impossible 2 and could’t take the role of Wolverine so it passed to an unknown Jackman. I believe that Trent Reznor sat down in 1995 and wrote “Hurt” specifically for Johnny Cash without ever knowing it until he heard The Man in Black sing it. Little moments that make a huge masterpiece. It paints a picture of a future where Logan is broken and old. A future where he is haunted by ghosts and regrets. A future where he wants to be anywhere but in his own skin. No mutants. Nothing and no one to fight or fight for. Like life itself, suddenly Hope appears. A Hope that will bring a new future for mutants. A Hope that is certainly worth fighting for and dying for. You may be looking at these sentences with confusion. Why the capital ‘H’? To that, I simply leave you with this trailer…and a wink.

A Red Dead Return

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(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer)

Rockstar Games has come out with guns a blazing’! This title is a personal one for me. My friends and other gamers had to endure me gushing over Red Dead Redemption and how it was the most amazing game I had ever played.  From the expansive, open world exploration and side jobs, to the characters that seemed to walk out of your console larger than life. As a kid who has grown up in the Mojave Desert, the rendering of sunrises of the land and the way monsoonal rains would sweep was breathtaking. I honestly sat on a ridge and watched the sunrise and I swear I could almost smell that familiar air. Rockstar Games has done it again and now we get a glimpse into the Red Dead world again. Leave it to Rockstar to have me wanting to skip this fall and just get to the next one so that I can travel back to the time of gunslingers and river boat gamblers. Rockstar has partnered with Sony to give players early content and, much like Skyrim, a release of the classic Red Dead on the Playstation Network. All of the footage shown is from actual in-game play on the Playstation 4 engine. I simply cannot wait.

Dead Men Tell No Tales…

 

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(Nicholas Dye/Staff Writer)

Disney has released the trailer to the fifth and final installment in it’s wildly successful Pirates of the Caribbean saga. Aptly titled “Dead Men Tell No Tales”, the trailer opens on a ship sailing into a very ominous cave where the crew runs afoul of Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) and his his ghostly crew of fellow pirates. (I’m assuming they are all dead since one of them is missing half of his face, but if it turns out to be a disability of some sort, I will apologize at a later date!) As Salazar clumps below deck to confront a survivor, he picks up a wanted poster of Jack Sparrow and issues an ominous warning about death coming for Sparrow.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales hits theaters May 26th, 2017 and will see the return of Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally, and Orlando Bloom as they are joined by series newcomers Javier Bardem and Kaya Scodelario. Will this be the last run for Captain Jack Sparrow or will his legend run eternal?